4 traps that hinder sexual life in relationships

Author: Sofya Pushkaryova - yoga instructor and psychologist.
2016-01-24

Come to my weekly psychotherapy group in Moscow, "Unleash Your Sexuality." You can sign up by phone at +7 926 596 87 15 or by email at info@psi-masterskay.ru, Sofia. Learn more about the group here.

1. Lack of movement and contact, getting stuck in fusion.

Most couples struggle with separation. When together, they do everything together and do not allow each other to be alone, to step out of the fusion.

Every individual has two equal needs – the desire to be with someone and care for them, and the desire to be alone. If there is no opportunity to be alone in a relationship, to step out into the world and meet other people, it leads to a serious problem – loss of self.

Living in constant fusion with a partner leads to a dwindling sexual desire and lack of interest in sex.

The first step in changing this situation is to recognize the importance of separation in relationships, the importance of being oneself. If each person in the relationship has the opportunity, without strain, to be themselves, there is a good chance for a happy joint life ahead.

If at least one partner conforms to the desires of the other rather than their own, a breakup will occur sooner or later. Constantly adjusting to another person leads to the loss of self and, consequently, to the lack of sexual desire, lack of orgasm, and dissatisfaction.

The second step is to add movement to your relationship, allowing you and your partner the opportunity to step out of the relationship to spend time alone or socialize with others. Let each of you choose your own rhythm of coming and going, and agree on new boundaries and rules.

2. Perceiving the partner as a parental figure and oneself as a child.

In such relationships, sexual life eventually comes to an end because how can a child have sex with a parent?

These relationships are a continuation of the child-parent model of interaction. You perceive your partner primarily as a mother who cares for you, protects, and loves you.

These are immature, codependent relationships caused by childhood traumas experienced in relationships with the mother. Therefore, even in adulthood, a person seeks from a partner what they did not receive from their mother. There is a psychological and material dependence on the partner.

Sexual life is realized outside of such relationships, with other partners. This is a serious issue that requires a review of the entire system of relationships. And naturally, individual psychotherapy is necessary here.

3. Inability to confront, ask for something, say "no," negotiate. Passive position.

The absence of these skills affects both sexual life and other aspects of relationships. A passive position reflects a lack of energy, leading to a decrease in emotional intensity and sensitivity. An essential element of sexuality is aggressiveness. Accordingly, its absence or suppression decreases the sensitivity and vibrancy of sexual experiences.

Inability to set boundaries, say "no," or ask for what you want leads to losing yourself and conforming to another's desires.

In any sphere of relationships, no one is obliged to "read your mind" or guess your wishes. It's crucial to learn to care for yourself and your needs.

It is not uncommon for sexual life with a partner at the beginning to completely match your needs and desires. There is always a period of "adjustment," habituation, and negotiation of needs and desires.

Therefore, in order for your sexual life with this partner to become what you want, it is essential to talk about your wishes, express what you like and what you do not like.

Discussing such an intimate topic as sex can be challenging. Join my weekly group sessions in Moscow, and you will learn how to negotiate for the kind of sex you enjoy.

4. Specific sexual preferences, self-judgment, fear of revealing these preferences to a partner.

Each of us is unique, with our own habits, characteristics, and preferences. At some point in your life, you may discover that you have certain sexual preferences that particularly excite you and bring immense sexual satisfaction.

You might wonder, "Is this normal?" In many families, discussing sex was somewhat taboo, and our culture generally provides little information about sexual preferences. Therefore, due to a lack of information and childhood prohibitions, judgments may arise about sexual interests such as sadomasochism, fetishism, exhibitionism, and many others.

Condemnation and suppression of powerful instinctual expressions such as sexuality lead to insecurity, a decrease in life energy, and a lack of satisfaction with life. As a result, a person may pursue their sexual preferences not in a relationship with a committed partner but with other men and women.

There are criteria for healthy norms in sexual relationships. If a sexual preference is practiced with mutual consent, without violence, and enhances a sense of self-respect, then it is natural and legitimate. Do not be afraid to have your sexual preferences; discuss them with your permanent partner, and your sex life will become a source of pleasure, joy, and revitalization.

Come to my weekly psychotherapy group in Moscow, "Unleash Your Sexuality." You can sign up by phone at +7 926 596 87 15 or by email at info@psi-masterskay.ru, Sofia. Learn more about the group here.